Sssshhhh.. Do you wanna know a secret?

I'll let you guys in on a big secret.
Don't tell anyone ya..?


Sssshhhh..... ;p










The thing is.....I want children.
I want a family.
I want the whole happy ending.


I'm not kidding.


And if by any unfortunate events, I don't get hitched by the time I'm like 35 (it used to be 30, but that's approaching up on me too soon) which by the way I really hope doesn't happen , I have been considering bringing children into my life, the non-conventional way.



Yes, that's my secret.


I want to have a family, one way or another.
I'm a fighter, and I fight for what I want.
I have too much love to give and share.


***


I have been fortunate to have met a few people who are single mothers, and raising children up themselves with strong determination and will. My hats off to you guys!


But I know there's a lot of things to consider.


Bringing up kids in this ever changing and very challenging world without a 'dad' would be challenging. Challenging, with a capital C. Kids need both father and mother, stability and a normal family environment. But, not everything you want, you get right?


Since september, I came to know a friend here, who is a single mother. Raising up a child that was given to her, because the mother of the child didn't want the baby after finding out she was the second wife. Which is quite pathetic, sorry to say that. But I hate people who has been given an extraordinary gift and a miracle, but throw it away just like that. Well, bad for her, but I guess good for my friend as she is blessed with a beautiful and bright baby girl.


She recently came here, packed her bags, quit her successful job at an established accounting firm, liquidated her assets, and came to study here on scholarship and planning to continue making a life for both of them here. It might be just the stress of the whole situation, you know us Malays can be a bit too much--nosy-ing into people affairs. Maybe because she's not a typical mother, she's a mother by chance and fate, she was chosen to be a mother. Due to the stress, she came running down here, just the two of them. And it hasn't been any easy for her at all.


When I see what she has to go through everyday, pushing with all her might, juggling all the affairs on her own, studies, making a living, taking care of her kid, by herself, I'm just left in awe. Being both mother and father to the girl.


It is difficult.
But rewarding, I just see it in her face everyday, inspite of the tired and weary look in her eyes.


**

Leaving me to think and analyze my situation more.
My plans for the future.
What happens if the future doesn't turn out the way I have planned for..?
What happens if the future isn't what I want so badly..?


Would I be able to proceed with my dreams..?
Would I have enough determination, will and strength to move forward..?


Is it too early to be thinking about all of this?
I don't think so.
I've come to terms that I am no longer young.
I have grey hair all over my head.
I've got wrinkles on my face.
My eyebags are just so hidious, they give out my real age in just seconds.


In a few months, gods willing I'll finish my MSc and will be flying home.
November this year, I'll be officially 28.
2 more years to 30. The big 3.
Reminds me of friends, when it was Rachels 30th birthday and she freaked out, not only her but the every single one of them freaked out when they turn 30.
Freaking out on not being in a steady relationship, not having kids, and not accomplishing the things they want to accomplish.


Would I be in the same situation?


I'm not sure. Right now, I leave it to fate.
If it's meant to be, then it will be.
The thing that I can do, is work hard and pray hard that everything will work out alright in due time.



Meanwhile, I'll just keep hoping and looking forward for a beautiful future.