Mixed Signals

I’ve always wondered;
Do I give out mixed @ wrong signals?
Is it the way I act or talk around guys?
If it is, I’m sorry.

It’s just the way I am. You may see me as a girl who’s very uncomfortable around guys at first. But once I get to know a guy, and I feel that we can click, or have a ‘connection’ (which is not in the mushy-mushy kinda way ar), I will let my guards down. And just be myself. I’m not a flirt neither am I a teaser. I just express myself the way I am. I get close to someone, but in my heart and head, it is just for the sake of friendship.

I do not have any intentions of bringing anything to the next level, hell; I don’t even know what the next level is. Please do not wrongly see something that is not there, because it isn’t. I may adore you, I may treat you a little bit different than I treat the others but it doesn’t mean there’s something there.

This also happened way back during campus era.


Another flash-back from the past.
( z , I know you read this blog, and this is my part of the story. I have no intention of embarrassing you or broadcasting our so-called-history, but it just feels good to finally have a place to pour out all my feelings and indirectly relating it to you, and if you don’t agree with me, I’m sorry.)

The friendship started during matriculation time, z and I would work together on the same programs for club x. On many occasions, we were paired in the same bureau, and he would be the head while I was his assistance. So, we grew close, and z is a terrific friend. I mean it. He was always there when I needed him, He almost had the answers to all my questions, He spoke damn good English, Always lending his ears whenever I needed to spill everything out of my system. He was a special friend, and I admit that I adore him, as a friend (note: as a friend). And I don’t think I’ll ever find another guy friend that I can be be as close as he was.

People thought we were going out.
People thought that we were a couple.
People thought wrong.
We weren’t.

We enjoyed some fun and exciting outings together (read: ‘outings’ not ‘dates’). We shared a lot of our stories, I even let him into some of the stories in my past that I wasn’t proud off, and would never ever share with anybody, not a single soul. But all the while, I only thought him as a friend, a very dear friend. Nothing more. In fact, I considered him as the best’est friend ever. Then all of a sudden, ‘that thing’ happened. I now know that it wasn’t his fault to be having those kind of feelings, because thinking back, I may have given mixed signals through out our friendship. Well, that scared the shit out of me. And that was why I put on my running shoes and ran away as far as possible from him that I could. It was my mistake for putting all the blame on him, but I think everything worked out well. Now, he is in a very serious relationship (just counting the months to settle down) and me, well, I’m happy with where I am right now and what I’ve turned out to be.

But, if given the chance, I would like our friendship to start all over again. I know that we won’t be as close as we used to be, but at least we can still be buddies.

Recently, I asked z, was I giving out mixed signals when we were 'together'? He answered with a BIG FAT yes.

Well, now I know.