rest in pieces

Yesterday, a friend from my uni years sort of told me about a mini gathering which they are having amongst themselves to celebrate their kids birthdays. The funny thing was, she told me not cause she wants to invite me, but to sort of explain she decided not to include me.

She simply put it in a sentence, 5 words, "Aku tak nak ko terasa".


Friends,
Yes, I'm NOT married (don't have any idea on 'Will I ever..?', or 'When will I ever..?' or even 'Do I even want to anymore (at this point)..?') NOR do I have kids, but don't treat me like a fucking idiot. Invite me. Don't invite me, I don't care. Just stop making excuses for everything with that fact.

At this point in my life, I'm just trying to live. Finding the will to continue living.
If not for the promises I've made to God, or the reason that I was created and put on this earth, I've surely admitted defeat. I've been living like a corpse masked with a doll face for the past months, smiling everytime I'm in the presence of people, and going on about life as if nothing has changed, I've been constantly pushing and pushing and pushing (only god knows how I've tried). Even if sometimes it feels like its getting better, the next day I'll end up pouring my heart out beneath my duvet, yet again.

I wish I'll get better, that one day my heart will rest. Maybe when I rest in peace, or when I'll just act like I'm resting, resting in pieces.